Husband says; "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".
Wife replied; "What makes you
think I'd want another man like you!"
What do Viagra And Disney Land have in common?They both cause you to stand around
for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!!
A husband was asked: Do you talk to your wife after sex? He replied:
if I can find a phone.
CAN COLD WATER CLEAN DISHES?
A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather
in a very secluded rural
area of the state he lived in.
After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast
for him consisting
of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned
"Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them,
so go on
and finish your meal."
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch,
he noticed tiny
specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked
like dried egg yolks. He asked again, "Are you sure these
plates are clean?"
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather said, "I told you before,
those dishes are
as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't ask me about it anymore."
Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to
get dinner in a nearby town. As he
was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass. He said,
"Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV
his grandfather shouted: "Coldwater, go lay down!"
The computer's swallowed my husband
Yes' honestly' its true
'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.
It devoured him completely
The thought just makes me squirm
he caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind
even used the internet
But nothing did I find.
In desperation I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine
from him was negative
Not a thing was found 'online'.
So, if inside your 'In Box'
My husband you should see
'Scan', 'Copy' and 'Paste' and email.
HIM......................TO ANYONE BUT ME.
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night; face all covered in fresh blood and
parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and
began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to p*ss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until
he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled
around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes!!" the bats
all screamed in frenzy.
"Good" said the first bat, "because I f*cking didn't !"
This bloke takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says to him, "My dog's cross-eyed.
Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," say the vet, "Let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and
has a good look at its eyes. After pausing for a while to think, the vet says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
because he's cross-eyed?" exclaims the bloke.
"No," replies the vet, "Because he's heavy."
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually
she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the
rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher
asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the
rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
And again, Johnny Jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more
time, I'll break it in half!"
The Teacher fainted.
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks
up and says to the monkey, "Hey! what are you doing?
"The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some. "So the
lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry'
and is going to get a drink from the river.
Down at the river, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and
A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, and then asks the lizard, "What's
the matter with you?
"The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the
tree, got too stoned, and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and
walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting and just finishing a joint. The crocodile looks up
and says "Hey you!"
"The Monkey looks down and says "SHITTTTTTTT dude.. how much water did you drink?!!"
SON - "Where did I come from dad "
DAD - "Ah, very well, my son,
one day you need to find out anyway! Mom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail with
mom and we met at a cybercafe. We snuck into a secluded room,and then your mother downloaded from dad's memory stick. As soon
as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit
the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared. And that's the story and I'm sticking to it."
have a close look at this picture!!!!!!!!!!!
what is different about it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!